What I learned from watching Trump’s press conference today is that our president would not have made Russian prostitutes pee on his bed because he is a “germaphobe.” That’s right. Still, if the allegations are true, the 36-page report detailing his relationship with Putin and as well as Trump’s kinky sexual behaviors may be the only leak he does not like.

But wait. Trump revealed a lot more about himself and his dealings during his first press conference as our (god help us) President Elect.

1) Trump is “handing” over his businesses to his sons, even though he does not have to because, according to the incoming President, Presidents can basically do whatever they want whenever they want. “I can run my business and run government at the same time,” Trump said while juggling Tick-Tacks and simultaneously sticking his foot in his mouth.

2) Trump says he will not release his tax returns because the public is not interested. We are, in fact, bored with the whole subject. And anyway, it takes higher math skills to understand imaginary numbers.

3) Trump still can’t stop attacking Hillary. It’s Hillary this and Hillary that. It seems the poor guy still can’t get over having lost the popular vote by the biggest margin in history. 2.9 million more people voted for Hillary Clinton than The Don — and yet we have Trump still trying to convince us his win was a landslide. Trump needs to learn a little geology. This was not a landslide, this was a sneaker wave launched from the Russian coast.

4) Trump will build his wall and US taxpayers will foot the bill, not Mexico. Well maybe Mexico, maybe some time, in some way, but not now and probably not with pesos. And, by the way, the only reason people ever thought Mexico would pay is because of all his supporters shouting about it at his rallies. They were just excited and he, the kind-hearted billionaire that he is, tossed them a few bogus bones.

4) Trump will bully the press in hopes they will kowtow to him in order to get a seat in the stuffy little press room in the stuffy little White House, which he probably will not live at because there is no throne.


5) Trump told reporters that the proof that Russia does not have films of him with prostitutes is that he is A) HYPER aware that cameras and mics are EVERYWHERE and so is VERY careful and, B) he is a “GERMAPHOBE.” Never mind that he was caught on tape expressing his proclivity for randomly grabbing “pussy.”